My List

Things I want and want to do:

watch the sun rise
drink banana milk
skullcandy headphones
tattoo
animal beanie
speakers w/ subwoofers
guitar
a nice camera (nikon or canon)

Colors

seems like i don't see color anymore.
everything is just in shades of gray and just existing.

when will i see color again.


i don't know.

my heart hurts so much right now...

God please make it stop hurting.

I really can't take it anymore

You Found Me

I want this... more than anything

Chess

I had a very interesting conversation the other day with a friend who acts indifferent and apathetic to the world, but has an insightful perspective that he considers more or less entertaining.

he mentioned how there are some people who are just main characters and others who are supporting characters. he described a main character as a person who lives a long and happy life with a guaranteed happy ending to the story. the character of a person does not matter, but rather how a person chooses to live or survive. everyone lies (thanks to House) and everyone has secrets (thanks to Dexter), and through the lies and secrets, people cover them up in different ways. It is what people cover up and how they cover it up that is interesting. 

i don't really agree with the whole main character analogy because i feel that we can't assume people are going to live a happy life. people change from being a "main character" to a "supporting" character and vice versa and over time, perspectives change. i actually believe everyone is a supporting character for God's greater purpose, but that we are all main characters of our own lives. and if there is to be a distinction between main and supporting, are supporting characters doomed to live a sad and pathetic life? or is it ultimately our choice of how we live our lives and the path we choose?

he then made an analogy to chess. he told me how he sees the world as a big chessboard and that each person has the characteristics of a certain chess piece. 

Kings: no one really expects it to do much, yet everyone protects him

Queen: the piece that has the most practical use on the board

Bishop: the piece everyone thinks they understand. it's either on a set of black squares or white squares, but only a few people really know what a bishops true strengths are

Knight: completely worthless to the casual player (usually one of the first pieces that are taken away) because they don't understand how it moves and it's annoying to the serious player because it basically does it's own thing. however, if you know how to use it, it's one of the last pieces that should be standing

Rook: more or less useless; easy to read; only valuable to smarter people

Pawn: the unknowns who sticks around long enough to be someone. these need some faith because eventually, they can become something. Pawns aren't uncommon, but the ones that survive are rare.

I'm the bishop... the one that everyone thinks they know, but really don't. 

Easy

I grew up too fast and I think I'm paying for the consequences for it now. I grew up too fast early on, and I didn't have anyone to depend on or to lean on for help. Everything that happened was such a burden that I learned to cope with it on my own and have become dependent on no one but myself. I thought I could get away with it...

but now there are consequences. I think my extreme independence has put a hold many of my friendships with other people. I have no judgments on others, but I never have the expectation for someone to care. It's so hard for me to accept it because I stopped expecting it at such a young age. Am I really hardened to the world and the people around me? 

People hear yet they don't listen... people talk but without action... so what's to expect? Can't I live at my own pace without the concern of others? Or maybe, that is exactly what I need. To slow down and to not be guarded of the things around me. 

To learn to be dependent, to learn to accept, to learn to have expectations...

It's easy to forget and to just continue living... it's easy to put feelings aside and to keep busy... it's easy fall back into old habits... 

it's all too easy...

Growing Up

I think one of the biggest fears I've ever had was growing up too fast... to the point where I feel out of tune within my own environment. And yet, when I see myself fitting into the right time, I feel even more out of place. I think there are moments where I still feel robbed of my age and that I don't have the opportunity to live in that day and age. 

Going back home was different than I expected. Within the mischief and goofing off, there was an evident change in everyone's persona- more responsibility, more incentives, more reasons to care. I think I notice that the most about myself and the people around me- the reliability that grows within a relationship and the dependency that we entrust in others. Coming into such a new environment, you have to start all over with those bonds and you start to miss the old. 

I missed that a lot. Just having the opportunity to spend quality time with everyone back home made me realize how much our little actions of nurturing have evolved over time. I've also realized how much I've grown as a person. It's not so much obligation (or was it ever) or that I'm looking for praise and acknowledgment, but it's just a genuine motivation to care. 

The one thing I still can't overcome is accepting love back from other people. Why is it that I can give and am willing to make sacrifices, but I have a hard time receiving it in return? Am I not being genuine in my actions if I cannot receive back?  With giving and receiving, is there ever a way to achieve that balance? 

Growing up makes me tired. Too many epiphanies and too much self realization. And yet, everything starts to connect... everything starts to come together and you start to realize how in control or out of control you are with your own life...

Comfort and Assurance

Things will never be the same. As much as I hope for it, after leaving for college, the world I knew has changed. Me wanting it to stay the same is... selfish. I put my hopes in a constant lifestyle that is comfortable for me to come back to when things get hard. And yet, what if it's not the same anymore? Is it me who's changing or is it my home that has changed? 

The only comfort and assurance I have is that God never vacillates and that his absolute holiness is the only thing that I need to hold on to. 

God is the only thing I need.... and have.

back to the beginning

Past couple days, I've been thinking a lot about just... this place in time.

College is actually comfortable. I don't feel like I'm in college... but the 20 minute walks to class reminds me everyday that I am. I do miss people back home and I miss the ability to just be myself. Luckily, I have a few friends from home who bring me back to myself every once in awhile.

Home was becoming comfortable again and now, I'm starting over. At first, I was okay with it... meeting new people and taking time to create those bonds of trust. However, I realized what I was trying to avoid is something I'm falling back into again. The moment where I hide things and let life move forward.

It's easy... and quite frankly, I know how to deal with it and to move forward with it. But I think that's the biggest problem. I move forward with it all and it just follows me. Despite it all, I do know I am giving it all up to God and allowing Him to work in me. I think that's why I haven't hit rock bottom because He is the strength that I need forever (Psalms 73:26). At the same time, it's not just a matter of me going through it, but allowing others to walk with me in my faith. Isn't that my testimony of how God is working in my life?

And yet, I haven't. Why? Because it's easier for me to walk alone.

Ji wan told me I'm stupid because I don't want to put my burdens on other people. Yeah, I am stupid but I can't help it. Time to push the boundaries now.... little by little.

What to do... what to do. My mind and heart is so cynical now that I really have to just seek God and seek His love. That's the only way that my heart will soften, and that perhaps my view on love will become solid again.



"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised... I know what I'm doing, I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon yo, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen." Jeremiah 28:11-12

I want to have the wisdom to love.... 

KEPC

past 2 years have been full of the greatest memories i could ever ask for. two years ago, i joined kepc and met the most wonderful people in the world. never before did i think i would create such friendships until i met you all. 

from the thick and the thin, the arguments and the make-ups, the cries and the laughters...

you all taught me what it means to be friends and to be family. i've learned that my stomach can hold tons of food (but my wallet can't) and that old school disney movies are the new hit. i have friends who protect my heart and friends who nurture my thoughts. 

you guys are there to goof off and to make me laugh... but also to hug me for those rare moments of sadness. to walk me to my car and let me cry through the rough times or to open your home to me so i can nap when i'm all alone at home. making me awesome possum food and teaching me your secrets to yummy mac and cheese. 

i love you guys so much. i will never meet a group of people like you all. 

Rain

A Carrot, An Egg, and a Cup of Coffee

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. 

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the  carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. Te daughter smiled as she tasted the rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity... boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. 

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?"

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you the carrot, and egg, or a coffee bean?

"There are moments in our life where we find ourselves at crossroads; afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going at it alone. And just beyond the brave and courage it takes to let someone in or to give someone a second chance, is something beyond the quiet persistence of a  dream. It's only when you're tested that you truly discover who you are and it's only when you're test that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist somewhere on the other side of hardwork, belief, and faith and... heartache and fear of what lies ahead."

To have the wisdom to love

To have the wisdom to love. To learn what love is and how to love. Not just tangible love, but the essence of what pure genuine love is. To understand not just human love, but God's love. To struggle and to forgive, and to believe in yourself. To love not selfishly, but humbly. To have the ability to have the wisdom to love someone back. To not be afraid or to doubt; to trust and believe. 

Love is not just an emotion. It's an act, it's a thought, and it's wisdom. Wisdom to persevere, to hope, to forgive, and to ultimately love- love yourself and others. And not by our love alone, but through God's unending love. The biggest love story ever told is how much God loves us and the ability He gives us to love others too. 

There are those moments where we are afraid or have doubts. There are moments where we lose sight of ourselves and who we want to be. There are times where you give up and make mistakes, and then you just keep regretting day after day. There are those moments where we're consumed  with the world around us, and we forget. We just... forget.

Through those struggles, we realize who we really are and the world we want to create for ourselves. And in that moment we remember, we protect and hold onto those brief seconds with our lives. In those brief moments, it doesn't matter what the world says; we remember who we are and what we believe in. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks; all that matters is that you remember. We forget and we remember. 

Regardless of the situation at hand, it is important to remember that through it all, we gain strength and wisdom. God gives us strength and wisdom. 

Nothing in the world worth having is easy to come by. Hope is lost, but it'll come back someday. 

Words

The past couple months have been full of a flurry of emotions. A season where I realized life is short, but long enough to feel the greatest joys and the worst sorrows. I realized that sometimes we have to let go whereas sometimes we have to fight back. To speak in volume with not just our voice or our words, but with our actions and our heart. 

I wonder... how do we choose our battles? Would you fight for a friend? Or even, die for the love of your life? I wonder... are those just words? Words that derive from hope and unconflicted feelings? Are those words spoken from the deepest part of our soul, even if we don't realize it? Maybe the initial thoughts are what define us more than the outcome. Maybe it's the uninfluenced mindset we have before anyone interferes... 

or maybe...

not. 

Maybe they're just words. Words just poured out. Words that seem hopeful, but are just empty. 

So what do we do? What action do we take? Maybe not any action at all. Maybe words is all that we can give. Words that give a hopeful glimpse of what we want, who we want to be, or how we will impact another person. 

Actions speak louder than words, but words speak for our soul. We need to listen to what we say and realize why those words come out. Then, we need to know if we'll go the distance of what those words promise. Promise of security, love, compassion, hope, and friendship. If not... words have no meaning. 

Words are just words. 

Somewhere Out There

Imagine it

Imagine it. How it starts. How it grows. Why it ends. 

Where does it start? Where does it end? The moment where we fall in love or realize that we're strangers. Hoping for more high's than lows, and battling through the quiet and loud. 

Where does it start? Where does it end? The bright smiles and unending giggles. How about the burning heartache and fleeting happiness.

The unexpected catches you off guard with an even more unexpected reaction. Desire to be healed and the hopes that you wish would diminish. The words you wish you said and the words you wish you could take back. Those words you could say now, but quickly hide away. The moment you realize it's just begun. Or the moment you realize it's the end. 

Living in dreams, sleeping with hope, and believing the unbelievable. Eventually, it stops. Eventually reality overcomes imagination, and that reality sinks in.  Still holding on to that last breathe of a moment... still praying you'll let go. 

Realizing how much you want it all back... you want a second chance; be the better student, be the better daughter, get into that college, be the better... 

To love in spite of...

Extraordinary

extraordinary: adj 

1. beyond what is usual, ordinary, regular, or established.

2. exceptional in character

For some reason, people don't believe that they can do extraordinary things. Some think that "extraordinary" exclusively means saving a country, raising awareness, running into a building on fire and saving a baby, writing a book, getting a 4.0 gpa, or finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (or whatever else the imagination can think of).

Extraordinary doesn't have to be an act or something concrete that you can see or identify. Extraordinary can simply be believing in another person or being that extra motivation a person needs. It can be that prayer that you pray for a heartbroken friend or a happy cheer in celebration for a succeeding teammate. 

What people don't realize is that they already did extraordinary things. Simply by being a friend is extraordinary in itself. Maybe not extraordinary to the stereotypical idea of what it is, but to that specific friend, the friendship (which is different and unique for each person) is so great that words cannot express.

We impact people through relationships. We may not know it or see it on the outside, and the other friend may not either... but whether it is that comforting hug you share or the late night talks, somehow it changes us. As time goes on, they become a part of us and we become a part of them. And even if that friendship comes to end, whether through distance or goodbyes, fights or disagreements, or bad timing... that person will always remain a part of us. 

I realized that sometimes I don't have to say "I miss you". I miss physical presence, but I don't miss them. Friends, whether best friend or just a "hey, how's it going?" friend, will always have a place in my heart and will forever be a part of me. I am who I am because of the relationships I've had, and no one can take that away. 

People shouldn't forget the extraordinary things that they can do. What can you do that is extraordinary? Jump off a 50 story building? Learn how to fly? Have super strength like superman? Or give a hug. Give a smile. Be a friend. 

I hope one day, I can help someone realize they can do something extraordinary. 

Friendship is extraordinary. 

Don't We All

Last semester during American Classics, Hamner had us look at this painting while learning about existentialism (which if you don't know, it's the philosophical idea that the individual has the unique position and power that is responsible for the authenticity of his or her choices and reality).

Yes, pretty colors. Creepy dude. Creepy shadows in the background. Nice sunset. Puny boats in the background. We get it.

But there is so much more to this guy than just what the eye can see. It's quite devastating because this man is losing himself. He is becoming a subject to the reality around him rather than pertaining to his own personal identity. The man isn't a figure with uniform structure, but rather a figure that is slowly turning into his surrounding. All the pretty colors and swirling of the paintbrush disguise the horror and panic the man feels. This man is actually turning into his background. What's worse is that the shadows of the men behind him are just shadows.. they aren't aid or help... just shadows.
How many times do we go through life being that shadow? Passing by a friend, family, coworker, lover... anyone, and letting them lose them self. Which is more horrific? Being that man who loses his identity or being that bystander who lets a man lose his identity? 

Just because you blend into your background doesn't mean you stay transparent forever. You will always find yourself. Unfortunately, it's a continuous cycle of coming in and out of your surrounding. Even though losing your way is unfortunate, losing your reason to keep going is a fate more cruel. If you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find that person you used to be, or lose that person entirely. 

But as a bystander, we aren't transparent. Rather, we are that sting of black shadow that haunts us forever. The piece of everyone and anyone that remains indifferent to the world. It's not purposeful or intentional, it's just who we are. 

It's devastation in it's entirety. 

It's a funny thing to think about... how fortunate we feel as a bystander. We all see those people who are homeless, ragged and dirty... and those who look like bums that we just walk past. We feel sympathetic yet high and mighty because we aren't in their position. We go on with our lives, looking away when they ask for money. Occasionally we'll dig into our pockets and pull out the bit of change we got from eating and plop them into their little cup. We think, "He's so dirty, he needs a job." or "No money for him. He's going to use it for drugs". 

Even better, we think, "Why should I help him?"

Funny thing is, don't we all need help at some point in our lives? Maybe not in that particular predicament, but simply just during the daily chaos of our lives. Perhaps it's for moving into a new house, babysitting a friend's sibling, letting a friend cry on your shoulder, or praying for a broken heart.

Don't we all?

What do you want?

What do you want?

A car? Good grades? To become a doctor? A lawyer? A firefighter?
How about a pony? A dog? An orange? Or a friend?
Happiness? Answers? A reason? A future?
A boyfriend? A girlfriend? A prayer? A purpose?

I realized knowing what we want is one of the most important things that can define who we are and can reveal who we want to be. Regardless of whether those wants are feasible to obtain, those desires explain our inner most feelings and personality.

A simple "What do you want" will tell you all about a person. Having hopes, dreams, and ambitions are what drives us to do the things we do.

But what happens when you don't know? What happens when everything is decided for you, and suddenly you have the world at your hands. What do you do with it? Do you second guess yourself? Second guess everything you strived for and believed in, just because someone told you it's wrong?

A simple "What do you want" can turn into a "Who are you" and "Who do you want to be".

Sometimes we realize who we are and who we want to be are two completely different people. We lose sight of who we want to be by the patterns of this world and then find ourselves again when the world is at a distance. 

It doesn't matter if what we "want" is plausible to get.

It matters that we know what we "want" and that we become defined by who we want to be, not what others want us to be. 

No one can give you dreams and no one can impose a hope in you. You have to find that in yourself. Reveal your passions, your hurts, you desires, your dreams, and your "wants".

What do you want?

.// I want someone to listen to me. I want to feel the happiness of a child's innocent jubilant joy. I want to be a physical therapist. I want the lightbulb in my bathroom to stop flickering. I want to play piano. I want to capture the beauty of what love is in a picture or painting. I want to plant a sunflower. I want to read during story time at the library to little kids. I want to sing in public without having any stage fright. I want to see a shooting star. I want to drive to the base of a rainbow and see if there is that pot of gold waiting. I want...\\

This is home...