Easy

I grew up too fast and I think I'm paying for the consequences for it now. I grew up too fast early on, and I didn't have anyone to depend on or to lean on for help. Everything that happened was such a burden that I learned to cope with it on my own and have become dependent on no one but myself. I thought I could get away with it...

but now there are consequences. I think my extreme independence has put a hold many of my friendships with other people. I have no judgments on others, but I never have the expectation for someone to care. It's so hard for me to accept it because I stopped expecting it at such a young age. Am I really hardened to the world and the people around me? 

People hear yet they don't listen... people talk but without action... so what's to expect? Can't I live at my own pace without the concern of others? Or maybe, that is exactly what I need. To slow down and to not be guarded of the things around me. 

To learn to be dependent, to learn to accept, to learn to have expectations...

It's easy to forget and to just continue living... it's easy to put feelings aside and to keep busy... it's easy fall back into old habits... 

it's all too easy...

Growing Up

I think one of the biggest fears I've ever had was growing up too fast... to the point where I feel out of tune within my own environment. And yet, when I see myself fitting into the right time, I feel even more out of place. I think there are moments where I still feel robbed of my age and that I don't have the opportunity to live in that day and age. 

Going back home was different than I expected. Within the mischief and goofing off, there was an evident change in everyone's persona- more responsibility, more incentives, more reasons to care. I think I notice that the most about myself and the people around me- the reliability that grows within a relationship and the dependency that we entrust in others. Coming into such a new environment, you have to start all over with those bonds and you start to miss the old. 

I missed that a lot. Just having the opportunity to spend quality time with everyone back home made me realize how much our little actions of nurturing have evolved over time. I've also realized how much I've grown as a person. It's not so much obligation (or was it ever) or that I'm looking for praise and acknowledgment, but it's just a genuine motivation to care. 

The one thing I still can't overcome is accepting love back from other people. Why is it that I can give and am willing to make sacrifices, but I have a hard time receiving it in return? Am I not being genuine in my actions if I cannot receive back?  With giving and receiving, is there ever a way to achieve that balance? 

Growing up makes me tired. Too many epiphanies and too much self realization. And yet, everything starts to connect... everything starts to come together and you start to realize how in control or out of control you are with your own life...