I think one of the biggest fears I've ever had was growing up too fast... to the point where I feel out of tune within my own environment. And yet, when I see myself fitting into the right time, I feel even more out of place. I think there are moments where I still feel robbed of my age and that I don't have the opportunity to live in that day and age.
Going back home was different than I expected. Within the mischief and goofing off, there was an evident change in everyone's persona- more responsibility, more incentives, more reasons to care. I think I notice that the most about myself and the people around me- the reliability that grows within a relationship and the dependency that we entrust in others. Coming into such a new environment, you have to start all over with those bonds and you start to miss the old.
I missed that a lot. Just having the opportunity to spend quality time with everyone back home made me realize how much our little actions of nurturing have evolved over time. I've also realized how much I've grown as a person. It's not so much obligation (or was it ever) or that I'm looking for praise and acknowledgment, but it's just a genuine motivation to care.
The one thing I still can't overcome is accepting love back from other people. Why is it that I can give and am willing to make sacrifices, but I have a hard time receiving it in return? Am I not being genuine in my actions if I cannot receive back? With giving and receiving, is there ever a way to achieve that balance?
Growing up makes me tired. Too many epiphanies and too much self realization. And yet, everything starts to connect... everything starts to come together and you start to realize how in control or out of control you are with your own life...
