Past couple days, I've been thinking a lot about just... this place in time.
College is actually comfortable. I don't feel like I'm in college... but the 20 minute walks to class reminds me everyday that I am. I do miss people back home and I miss the ability to just be myself. Luckily, I have a few friends from home who bring me back to myself every once in awhile.
Home was becoming comfortable again and now, I'm starting over. At first, I was okay with it... meeting new people and taking time to create those bonds of trust. However, I realized what I was trying to avoid is something I'm falling back into again. The moment where I hide things and let life move forward.
It's easy... and quite frankly, I know how to deal with it and to move forward with it. But I think that's the biggest problem. I move forward with it all and it just follows me. Despite it all, I do know I am giving it all up to God and allowing Him to work in me. I think that's why I haven't hit rock bottom because He is the strength that I need forever (Psalms 73:26). At the same time, it's not just a matter of me going through it, but allowing others to walk with me in my faith. Isn't that my testimony of how God is working in my life?
And yet, I haven't. Why? Because it's easier for me to walk alone.
Ji wan told me I'm stupid because I don't want to put my burdens on other people. Yeah, I am stupid but I can't help it. Time to push the boundaries now.... little by little.
What to do... what to do. My mind and heart is so cynical now that I really have to just seek God and seek His love. That's the only way that my heart will soften, and that perhaps my view on love will become solid again.
"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised... I know what I'm doing, I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon yo, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen." Jeremiah 28:11-12
I want to have the wisdom to love....
