My List

Things I want and want to do:

watch the sun rise
drink banana milk
skullcandy headphones
tattoo
animal beanie
speakers w/ subwoofers
guitar
a nice camera (nikon or canon)

Colors

seems like i don't see color anymore.
everything is just in shades of gray and just existing.

when will i see color again.


i don't know.

my heart hurts so much right now...

God please make it stop hurting.

I really can't take it anymore

You Found Me

I want this... more than anything

Chess

I had a very interesting conversation the other day with a friend who acts indifferent and apathetic to the world, but has an insightful perspective that he considers more or less entertaining.

he mentioned how there are some people who are just main characters and others who are supporting characters. he described a main character as a person who lives a long and happy life with a guaranteed happy ending to the story. the character of a person does not matter, but rather how a person chooses to live or survive. everyone lies (thanks to House) and everyone has secrets (thanks to Dexter), and through the lies and secrets, people cover them up in different ways. It is what people cover up and how they cover it up that is interesting. 

i don't really agree with the whole main character analogy because i feel that we can't assume people are going to live a happy life. people change from being a "main character" to a "supporting" character and vice versa and over time, perspectives change. i actually believe everyone is a supporting character for God's greater purpose, but that we are all main characters of our own lives. and if there is to be a distinction between main and supporting, are supporting characters doomed to live a sad and pathetic life? or is it ultimately our choice of how we live our lives and the path we choose?

he then made an analogy to chess. he told me how he sees the world as a big chessboard and that each person has the characteristics of a certain chess piece. 

Kings: no one really expects it to do much, yet everyone protects him

Queen: the piece that has the most practical use on the board

Bishop: the piece everyone thinks they understand. it's either on a set of black squares or white squares, but only a few people really know what a bishops true strengths are

Knight: completely worthless to the casual player (usually one of the first pieces that are taken away) because they don't understand how it moves and it's annoying to the serious player because it basically does it's own thing. however, if you know how to use it, it's one of the last pieces that should be standing

Rook: more or less useless; easy to read; only valuable to smarter people

Pawn: the unknowns who sticks around long enough to be someone. these need some faith because eventually, they can become something. Pawns aren't uncommon, but the ones that survive are rare.

I'm the bishop... the one that everyone thinks they know, but really don't. 

Easy

I grew up too fast and I think I'm paying for the consequences for it now. I grew up too fast early on, and I didn't have anyone to depend on or to lean on for help. Everything that happened was such a burden that I learned to cope with it on my own and have become dependent on no one but myself. I thought I could get away with it...

but now there are consequences. I think my extreme independence has put a hold many of my friendships with other people. I have no judgments on others, but I never have the expectation for someone to care. It's so hard for me to accept it because I stopped expecting it at such a young age. Am I really hardened to the world and the people around me? 

People hear yet they don't listen... people talk but without action... so what's to expect? Can't I live at my own pace without the concern of others? Or maybe, that is exactly what I need. To slow down and to not be guarded of the things around me. 

To learn to be dependent, to learn to accept, to learn to have expectations...

It's easy to forget and to just continue living... it's easy to put feelings aside and to keep busy... it's easy fall back into old habits... 

it's all too easy...

Growing Up

I think one of the biggest fears I've ever had was growing up too fast... to the point where I feel out of tune within my own environment. And yet, when I see myself fitting into the right time, I feel even more out of place. I think there are moments where I still feel robbed of my age and that I don't have the opportunity to live in that day and age. 

Going back home was different than I expected. Within the mischief and goofing off, there was an evident change in everyone's persona- more responsibility, more incentives, more reasons to care. I think I notice that the most about myself and the people around me- the reliability that grows within a relationship and the dependency that we entrust in others. Coming into such a new environment, you have to start all over with those bonds and you start to miss the old. 

I missed that a lot. Just having the opportunity to spend quality time with everyone back home made me realize how much our little actions of nurturing have evolved over time. I've also realized how much I've grown as a person. It's not so much obligation (or was it ever) or that I'm looking for praise and acknowledgment, but it's just a genuine motivation to care. 

The one thing I still can't overcome is accepting love back from other people. Why is it that I can give and am willing to make sacrifices, but I have a hard time receiving it in return? Am I not being genuine in my actions if I cannot receive back?  With giving and receiving, is there ever a way to achieve that balance? 

Growing up makes me tired. Too many epiphanies and too much self realization. And yet, everything starts to connect... everything starts to come together and you start to realize how in control or out of control you are with your own life...

Comfort and Assurance

Things will never be the same. As much as I hope for it, after leaving for college, the world I knew has changed. Me wanting it to stay the same is... selfish. I put my hopes in a constant lifestyle that is comfortable for me to come back to when things get hard. And yet, what if it's not the same anymore? Is it me who's changing or is it my home that has changed? 

The only comfort and assurance I have is that God never vacillates and that his absolute holiness is the only thing that I need to hold on to. 

God is the only thing I need.... and have.

back to the beginning

Past couple days, I've been thinking a lot about just... this place in time.

College is actually comfortable. I don't feel like I'm in college... but the 20 minute walks to class reminds me everyday that I am. I do miss people back home and I miss the ability to just be myself. Luckily, I have a few friends from home who bring me back to myself every once in awhile.

Home was becoming comfortable again and now, I'm starting over. At first, I was okay with it... meeting new people and taking time to create those bonds of trust. However, I realized what I was trying to avoid is something I'm falling back into again. The moment where I hide things and let life move forward.

It's easy... and quite frankly, I know how to deal with it and to move forward with it. But I think that's the biggest problem. I move forward with it all and it just follows me. Despite it all, I do know I am giving it all up to God and allowing Him to work in me. I think that's why I haven't hit rock bottom because He is the strength that I need forever (Psalms 73:26). At the same time, it's not just a matter of me going through it, but allowing others to walk with me in my faith. Isn't that my testimony of how God is working in my life?

And yet, I haven't. Why? Because it's easier for me to walk alone.

Ji wan told me I'm stupid because I don't want to put my burdens on other people. Yeah, I am stupid but I can't help it. Time to push the boundaries now.... little by little.

What to do... what to do. My mind and heart is so cynical now that I really have to just seek God and seek His love. That's the only way that my heart will soften, and that perhaps my view on love will become solid again.



"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised... I know what I'm doing, I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon yo, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen." Jeremiah 28:11-12

I want to have the wisdom to love.... 

KEPC

past 2 years have been full of the greatest memories i could ever ask for. two years ago, i joined kepc and met the most wonderful people in the world. never before did i think i would create such friendships until i met you all. 

from the thick and the thin, the arguments and the make-ups, the cries and the laughters...

you all taught me what it means to be friends and to be family. i've learned that my stomach can hold tons of food (but my wallet can't) and that old school disney movies are the new hit. i have friends who protect my heart and friends who nurture my thoughts. 

you guys are there to goof off and to make me laugh... but also to hug me for those rare moments of sadness. to walk me to my car and let me cry through the rough times or to open your home to me so i can nap when i'm all alone at home. making me awesome possum food and teaching me your secrets to yummy mac and cheese. 

i love you guys so much. i will never meet a group of people like you all.