back to the beginning

Past couple days, I've been thinking a lot about just... this place in time.

College is actually comfortable. I don't feel like I'm in college... but the 20 minute walks to class reminds me everyday that I am. I do miss people back home and I miss the ability to just be myself. Luckily, I have a few friends from home who bring me back to myself every once in awhile.

Home was becoming comfortable again and now, I'm starting over. At first, I was okay with it... meeting new people and taking time to create those bonds of trust. However, I realized what I was trying to avoid is something I'm falling back into again. The moment where I hide things and let life move forward.

It's easy... and quite frankly, I know how to deal with it and to move forward with it. But I think that's the biggest problem. I move forward with it all and it just follows me. Despite it all, I do know I am giving it all up to God and allowing Him to work in me. I think that's why I haven't hit rock bottom because He is the strength that I need forever (Psalms 73:26). At the same time, it's not just a matter of me going through it, but allowing others to walk with me in my faith. Isn't that my testimony of how God is working in my life?

And yet, I haven't. Why? Because it's easier for me to walk alone.

Ji wan told me I'm stupid because I don't want to put my burdens on other people. Yeah, I am stupid but I can't help it. Time to push the boundaries now.... little by little.

What to do... what to do. My mind and heart is so cynical now that I really have to just seek God and seek His love. That's the only way that my heart will soften, and that perhaps my view on love will become solid again.



"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised... I know what I'm doing, I have it all planned out- plans to take care of you, not abandon yo, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen." Jeremiah 28:11-12

I want to have the wisdom to love.... 

KEPC

past 2 years have been full of the greatest memories i could ever ask for. two years ago, i joined kepc and met the most wonderful people in the world. never before did i think i would create such friendships until i met you all. 

from the thick and the thin, the arguments and the make-ups, the cries and the laughters...

you all taught me what it means to be friends and to be family. i've learned that my stomach can hold tons of food (but my wallet can't) and that old school disney movies are the new hit. i have friends who protect my heart and friends who nurture my thoughts. 

you guys are there to goof off and to make me laugh... but also to hug me for those rare moments of sadness. to walk me to my car and let me cry through the rough times or to open your home to me so i can nap when i'm all alone at home. making me awesome possum food and teaching me your secrets to yummy mac and cheese. 

i love you guys so much. i will never meet a group of people like you all. 

Rain

A Carrot, An Egg, and a Cup of Coffee

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. 

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the  carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. Te daughter smiled as she tasted the rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity... boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. 

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?"

When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you the carrot, and egg, or a coffee bean?

"There are moments in our life where we find ourselves at crossroads; afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better, something found just beyond the pain of going at it alone. And just beyond the brave and courage it takes to let someone in or to give someone a second chance, is something beyond the quiet persistence of a  dream. It's only when you're tested that you truly discover who you are and it's only when you're test that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist somewhere on the other side of hardwork, belief, and faith and... heartache and fear of what lies ahead."

To have the wisdom to love

To have the wisdom to love. To learn what love is and how to love. Not just tangible love, but the essence of what pure genuine love is. To understand not just human love, but God's love. To struggle and to forgive, and to believe in yourself. To love not selfishly, but humbly. To have the ability to have the wisdom to love someone back. To not be afraid or to doubt; to trust and believe. 

Love is not just an emotion. It's an act, it's a thought, and it's wisdom. Wisdom to persevere, to hope, to forgive, and to ultimately love- love yourself and others. And not by our love alone, but through God's unending love. The biggest love story ever told is how much God loves us and the ability He gives us to love others too. 

There are those moments where we are afraid or have doubts. There are moments where we lose sight of ourselves and who we want to be. There are times where you give up and make mistakes, and then you just keep regretting day after day. There are those moments where we're consumed  with the world around us, and we forget. We just... forget.

Through those struggles, we realize who we really are and the world we want to create for ourselves. And in that moment we remember, we protect and hold onto those brief seconds with our lives. In those brief moments, it doesn't matter what the world says; we remember who we are and what we believe in. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks; all that matters is that you remember. We forget and we remember. 

Regardless of the situation at hand, it is important to remember that through it all, we gain strength and wisdom. God gives us strength and wisdom. 

Nothing in the world worth having is easy to come by. Hope is lost, but it'll come back someday. 

Words

The past couple months have been full of a flurry of emotions. A season where I realized life is short, but long enough to feel the greatest joys and the worst sorrows. I realized that sometimes we have to let go whereas sometimes we have to fight back. To speak in volume with not just our voice or our words, but with our actions and our heart. 

I wonder... how do we choose our battles? Would you fight for a friend? Or even, die for the love of your life? I wonder... are those just words? Words that derive from hope and unconflicted feelings? Are those words spoken from the deepest part of our soul, even if we don't realize it? Maybe the initial thoughts are what define us more than the outcome. Maybe it's the uninfluenced mindset we have before anyone interferes... 

or maybe...

not. 

Maybe they're just words. Words just poured out. Words that seem hopeful, but are just empty. 

So what do we do? What action do we take? Maybe not any action at all. Maybe words is all that we can give. Words that give a hopeful glimpse of what we want, who we want to be, or how we will impact another person. 

Actions speak louder than words, but words speak for our soul. We need to listen to what we say and realize why those words come out. Then, we need to know if we'll go the distance of what those words promise. Promise of security, love, compassion, hope, and friendship. If not... words have no meaning. 

Words are just words. 

Somewhere Out There

Imagine it

Imagine it. How it starts. How it grows. Why it ends. 

Where does it start? Where does it end? The moment where we fall in love or realize that we're strangers. Hoping for more high's than lows, and battling through the quiet and loud. 

Where does it start? Where does it end? The bright smiles and unending giggles. How about the burning heartache and fleeting happiness.

The unexpected catches you off guard with an even more unexpected reaction. Desire to be healed and the hopes that you wish would diminish. The words you wish you said and the words you wish you could take back. Those words you could say now, but quickly hide away. The moment you realize it's just begun. Or the moment you realize it's the end. 

Living in dreams, sleeping with hope, and believing the unbelievable. Eventually, it stops. Eventually reality overcomes imagination, and that reality sinks in.  Still holding on to that last breathe of a moment... still praying you'll let go. 

Realizing how much you want it all back... you want a second chance; be the better student, be the better daughter, get into that college, be the better... 

To love in spite of...

Extraordinary

extraordinary: adj 

1. beyond what is usual, ordinary, regular, or established.

2. exceptional in character

For some reason, people don't believe that they can do extraordinary things. Some think that "extraordinary" exclusively means saving a country, raising awareness, running into a building on fire and saving a baby, writing a book, getting a 4.0 gpa, or finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (or whatever else the imagination can think of).

Extraordinary doesn't have to be an act or something concrete that you can see or identify. Extraordinary can simply be believing in another person or being that extra motivation a person needs. It can be that prayer that you pray for a heartbroken friend or a happy cheer in celebration for a succeeding teammate. 

What people don't realize is that they already did extraordinary things. Simply by being a friend is extraordinary in itself. Maybe not extraordinary to the stereotypical idea of what it is, but to that specific friend, the friendship (which is different and unique for each person) is so great that words cannot express.

We impact people through relationships. We may not know it or see it on the outside, and the other friend may not either... but whether it is that comforting hug you share or the late night talks, somehow it changes us. As time goes on, they become a part of us and we become a part of them. And even if that friendship comes to end, whether through distance or goodbyes, fights or disagreements, or bad timing... that person will always remain a part of us. 

I realized that sometimes I don't have to say "I miss you". I miss physical presence, but I don't miss them. Friends, whether best friend or just a "hey, how's it going?" friend, will always have a place in my heart and will forever be a part of me. I am who I am because of the relationships I've had, and no one can take that away. 

People shouldn't forget the extraordinary things that they can do. What can you do that is extraordinary? Jump off a 50 story building? Learn how to fly? Have super strength like superman? Or give a hug. Give a smile. Be a friend. 

I hope one day, I can help someone realize they can do something extraordinary. 

Friendship is extraordinary. 

Don't We All

Last semester during American Classics, Hamner had us look at this painting while learning about existentialism (which if you don't know, it's the philosophical idea that the individual has the unique position and power that is responsible for the authenticity of his or her choices and reality).

Yes, pretty colors. Creepy dude. Creepy shadows in the background. Nice sunset. Puny boats in the background. We get it.

But there is so much more to this guy than just what the eye can see. It's quite devastating because this man is losing himself. He is becoming a subject to the reality around him rather than pertaining to his own personal identity. The man isn't a figure with uniform structure, but rather a figure that is slowly turning into his surrounding. All the pretty colors and swirling of the paintbrush disguise the horror and panic the man feels. This man is actually turning into his background. What's worse is that the shadows of the men behind him are just shadows.. they aren't aid or help... just shadows.
How many times do we go through life being that shadow? Passing by a friend, family, coworker, lover... anyone, and letting them lose them self. Which is more horrific? Being that man who loses his identity or being that bystander who lets a man lose his identity? 

Just because you blend into your background doesn't mean you stay transparent forever. You will always find yourself. Unfortunately, it's a continuous cycle of coming in and out of your surrounding. Even though losing your way is unfortunate, losing your reason to keep going is a fate more cruel. If you lose yourself, you have two choices. Find that person you used to be, or lose that person entirely. 

But as a bystander, we aren't transparent. Rather, we are that sting of black shadow that haunts us forever. The piece of everyone and anyone that remains indifferent to the world. It's not purposeful or intentional, it's just who we are. 

It's devastation in it's entirety. 

It's a funny thing to think about... how fortunate we feel as a bystander. We all see those people who are homeless, ragged and dirty... and those who look like bums that we just walk past. We feel sympathetic yet high and mighty because we aren't in their position. We go on with our lives, looking away when they ask for money. Occasionally we'll dig into our pockets and pull out the bit of change we got from eating and plop them into their little cup. We think, "He's so dirty, he needs a job." or "No money for him. He's going to use it for drugs". 

Even better, we think, "Why should I help him?"

Funny thing is, don't we all need help at some point in our lives? Maybe not in that particular predicament, but simply just during the daily chaos of our lives. Perhaps it's for moving into a new house, babysitting a friend's sibling, letting a friend cry on your shoulder, or praying for a broken heart.

Don't we all?